I am with I am

after watching a tv show tonight, I just realized, that I might have some kind of light depression. I also just realised, that 2- 3 years ago, I made some wrong decisions. These really small decisions, still have impact on my life today. I choose to let me talk into things I didn´t want to do. Although it were fun things, there were important other things I had to take care of that I didn´t do. Than there is this other decision, that I made a few years before that which made that the 2nd time I made some wrong decisions, are even an issue right now.

So this is not making any sense to you, I get that. The reason I am telling this is because I just realized the connection between these decisions and my current life situation, which is: still not  graduated. I am so deeply ashamed of this. I feel awful when I think about kids and people that would given everything to get the chance to go to college or university. At least I have now seen the cause of why I am currently not at the place in life, that I had wished to be.

This all comes back to the same thing, over and over again: to trust my own feeling about situations and act on it! I´m not helping anyone by not listening to myself. Remember I let myself get talked into something, even though I wanted to do things that I needed to be doing at that point? This same person is also being a victim of my bad decision making 2-3 years ago. What I am trying to say is that I have to learn to listen and act upon my own feeling again and not let my life be decided the wishes of others or things that come up in the middle of something. The second thing that I want to say is that I have learned it is also better to look if others are  listening to their inner voice. You are not only helping them, but also yourself. That person can be a better person to himself because of that, but also be a better friend because of that.

Even though I am feeling down at the moment, because of the lack of success in some areas of my life, I have always been a positive minded person. So I am confident, that there will be more positive times in my future. For now I hope it was okey for you that I share my sad moment as well. The key is what I have learned today: my situation today is created by my own decisions in the past. Time to let this sink and sleep it over. So I can start tomorrow with a positve mindset: my decisions today will change my future.

~Live your life like a story worth living…


Sorry for not writing…

I have’n been writing for quite some time now. I am very sorry for that. I actually wanted to write about all the things in my life and not just about the happy things. Since I didn’t enough good news to tell you, I kept postponing to write. Well, maybe I should have, because maybe this could have motivated me during this this time.

So this is where I stand right now… I had handed in my bachelor thesis for the second time at the beginning of September 2012. I had to wait a couple of weeks for the results, but luckily I passed! As I had expected, it wasn’t the grade that I had liked for all the work I had put into it. At the end I was just relieved that I had finally made it to the end of my bachelor thesis!
The oral exam that I had to take about my bachelor thesis was nerve wrecking, but I also passed this exam. After this stress I told myself just to get a little bit of rest before writing my final essays and finishing the last two subjects of my bachelor…

Well, you might have guessed, I still haven’t finished. There are a lot of reasons why, but none of them is really good enough. The point is that I’ve developed some kind of stage fear for papers, essays and everything that has to do with writing and research. I have been telling myself that I’m just no good and I’m afraid of failing. So bad that I have just not been writing at all! How stupid is that?!  This is costing my loads of money on the tuition fee and I’m building up a debt because I’m not able to work and finish my bachelor at the same time. I don’t say it’s not possible, I’m just saying that I just can’t do it.

In the mean time I feel kind of paralysed, although deep inside I know I can do it. I hope I can help myself find back my power, because I really do need that power right now!

Let’s see if I can do it… I’ll keep you posted on my developments…. I just remember my own quote… Let’s try to live up to it!

~Live your life like a story worth living…

When life ends…

When a dear friend of me told me that her dad had died, I didn’t hesitate to ask her if she would like me to stay with her for a few days…

This friend actually used to be a friend of my mother. Although they had lost contact, they found each other back at the end of my mom’s life and at that point, I started to get involved in her friends life as well.

At this point I can say that she’s a friend of mine as well… I would even say, it even feels like a dear aunt. She sometimes even refers to me as ‘the oldest daughter that come to visit once in a while’.  So this dear friend, or family member, lost her father. As she is almost like family to me, it is only naturally that I would like to be there for her and her eight year old daughter.

The dead of her dad, was something that was already coming for while now, because he was already an older man, living in a nursing home and losing control of his body and mind. It’s always sad to see something like that happen to a loved one. More even, it is hard to deal with. Over the years his mind and body gave up more an more of their functions. He was not the man any more, that she looked up to and once was her father.

My friend gladly took me up on my offer and said she would love it if I would stay with her and her daughter for a few days. So I did…

I came on the night of the farewell. After this moment of final goodbye, the next day at the funeral people good pay their final respect to the deceased. A single unwrapped rose could be given at his grave to show this respect.A single rose was given at the funeral

It was a wonderful day and a beautiful service about the deceased and the life he led, together with his wife, children and grandchildren. I  got an overview of the life that he had been living. My friend held a speech as well, filled with memories about a fully lived life. All these stories, speeches and memories gave me a good impression of the man he had been, since I didn’t get to know him until he already was a man of age, slowly losing grip of his own body and mind. Now I got to know the other and better part of his life as well. How he grew up in war, how his father died at a young age, how he found his goal in life and how he lived a happy life with his wife and children.

After the service and funeral, the condolences could be given at a restaurant. The man liked the joy of life, including a glass of wine. So this part of his life was honoured by his family. With finger-food and wine, memories were brought to life. This was a moment of remembering, not only the sad, but especially the many good stories of his life…

Remember people that have lived before us… Every life is precious and should be honoured.

My friend and I still had two days left after that… It was good to be there. I helped when I could, listened when she wanted to talk and held her when she needed a hug. We talked about the past the present and the future and were glad to have someone to share all of this with…

I left my friend,  knowing she would be alright. She lost her dad, so she would miss him. But in fact, the last years he was mostly suffering. Now his suffering was over, she didn’t have to feel the pain of that anymore. He was now out of pain and she had accepted this to be the best. I left. It was good to be there…

~Live your life like a story worth living…

First post

Although I’ve got a positive view on life, today I couldn’t find this positive feeling.

I just got back my thesis that I’ve been working on for a long time… I guess it just wasn’t good enough… I wouldn’t say it’s a masterpiece myself. Still, for all the work, sweat and tears I put in it, I really hoped for a better result than this…  What a sad day this is for me…. My heart just sank when I heard about the result. This would mean more work, more literature, more stuff I don’t like to think about anymore… It’s been long enough that I’ve been working on this theme. All I want is to finally start my life!

For me, finishing my Bachelor-degree in Communications is just a formality. In my mind I’m already finding a job and working. Because I’m ready for that now! Ready to start a real job, have responsibilities, find creative solutions and work towards a practical goal.

Life doesn’t mean you should just work, go to school and do only  things the world expects you to do. I learned to appreciate the small things in life. Even before my mother died, when I was 18, she taught  me to respect the world that we live in and everything that is part of it. She showed me how to love life, even though it can be tough, painful and unfair. This is what I’m trying to live up to, ever since.

Today however, I felt that life is tough, painful and very unfair! Will I ever finish this thesis? Will I get my Bachelor-degree in the end? Some of my friends make it look so easy… Compared to them I feel a bit dumb at the moment. Am I just not getting it, or am I just having bad luck and do I just need to give it a 100% one last time?

This day was a sad day for me, I will be sad until I go to bed.

Tomorrow I’m finding back my positive energy. I need that, to finish my thesis, to finally get my Bachelor-degree! On Monday I will get some more information on what I did wrong. Let’s hope I can work with this information, towards a Bachelor-degree worthy thesis…

For now, good night! Have a productive, inspiring and satisfying weekend.

~Live your life like a story worth living…

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Thesis deadline

Deadline for my thesisSeptember 6th, 2012
Will I make it in time; is it going to be good enough this time?